Blink
by northern.grunge
Summary: “I must have a bloody death-wish”, he thought out loud. Ford's breaking into the Guide offices, accidentally picking up a hitchhiker of his own along the way- Ace. Can Ace keep up with Ford's crazy life? T for safety...
1. At Least She had a Towel

**At Least She Had a Towel**

_Chapter 1_

**Disclaimer:** If you're a literate, slightly clever organism with at least one eye and internet access (which, I assume you are since you're reading this) then you should be able to work out the fact that since Douglas Adams is no longer among the living he is not the author of this story. The actual author has stolen a few of his ideas, but promises to return them as soon as she's done with them and put them back right where she found them.

**Author's Note:** Has no canonical value whatsoever. Pick a random moment in Ford Prefect's life- be sure he's met Arthur, be sure it's some time after book 5 or 6 (you could always just assume that 6 never happened, but it doesn't really matter because nothing happens to Ford at all during 6 [except the blue hair thing]) and be sure he's alone and that's the moment in which this story will be taking place. Douglas Adams didn't give a lick about canon, why should I?

**Key:** *- See Guide entry at bottom

* *** *

The two story house on Earth Beta* was cold. Cold, and mostly empty, the only thing generating any heat in the house was its single inhabitant. This single inhabitant's name happens to be Lacy Claud. Lacy was not ugly, nor was she beautiful- in fact she just almost passed as pretty. Her hair was a slightly too dusty shade of red-ish orange, her teeth were slightly less white than they should've been, and her figure was slightly too curvy in some areas and slightly too straight in others. The only thing that could really be said to be striking about her was her electric turquoise eyes. They were, in fact, so freakishly large and stunning that people were intimidated by her very presence. So, in order to lead a some-what normal social life she wore thick-rimmed glasses.

Her house (or rather, her grandmother's house. Her grandmother was old and decrepit and Lacy felt it was her duty to stay with her in her old age. What Lacy did not know was that her grandmother was sneaking whiskey, cigarettes, and rent boys into the house at night. Her grandmum was a scrapper.) sat just outside of New London*. On that morning it was particularly cold and empty because during the night her grandmother had died of a heart attack. Strangely, when she was found in the morning she was completely naked and looked rather happy about the whole thing.

And so Lacy (or just Ace, as most people called her, except her grandmum who called her by her full name Legacy Claud) was alone again, in the cold house, with a clean white towel wrapped around her, crying. She was not crying because she was alone in a cold house with a towel wrapped around her- she was crying because she was alone in a cold house with a towel wrapped around her and she had suddenly realized (in the shower-as all great realizations come to humans when they are naked and under streams of hot water and soap) that her grandmum hadn't left her any money as inheritance because of the debt she was in from her expensive pleasures. So Ace's tears were tears of anger at her grandmum's lack of human gratitude. She couldn't stay in this house any longer. Lucky for her... she wouldn't have to.

* *** *

Ford Prefect felt, for the first time in his life, lucky that he was short. If he had been an inch taller the thin Ins-O-Late Hyper Steel that composed the air ducts of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy's building would have had to bend and buckle to accommodate him. He crawled along, first on hands and knees, then on his stomach when the air ducts tapered.

Eventually, he would come across a security robot or an invisible motion sensor and be found out, but that could work to his advantage. He was attempting to come to some arrangement with the new management without actually coming near any of them. (This arrangement consisted of Ford finding, sneaking up on, and completely destroying the new Guide. Although he didn't know it yet because he figured that if he was planning to destroy the Guide it would find a way to not get destroyed. Logically, he thought, he'd just have to decide not to destroy it at all and accidentally happen to destroy it.)

His plan was a long-shot, but if he could get rid of the insane bird, he thought, maybe every planet or space base he set foot on wouldn't get blown up. He had nothing better to do, Arthur had disappeared again- presumably off to re-locate his sandwich planet- and Zaphod and Trillian were plucking his nerves even harder than Heart of Gold's computer. Ford's natural tendency was to avoid long lasting relationships like oil avoiding water. It was a hitchhiker thing he suspected.

Still, he wouldn't have minded having back up with the Vogons around.

"I must have a bloody death-wish", he thought out loud. The sound of whooshing oxygen grew louder and the vent grew colder. He stopped and tensed- either he was shivering involuntarily, or the whole building was. Groaning a bit, he found his way to the nearest vent and peered out.

The building was being moved. The vent was opposite a window. The window was facing east. On the east side of the building there happened to be a planet. Ford's LED colored eyes widened, the planet was blue, green, and white and bore a scary resemblance to a planet he had called "home-ish"* for 15 years. He grabbed at the Guide to (once again) look up the earth and see what it had to say, but in his hurry he flipped the "reverse" on his Electronic Thumb and activated it. He swore under his breath, corrected it, and prayed that nothing would come of it. Of course, something had.

* *** *

Ace sniffled and shrugged on a bathrobe over the towel, not bothering to tie it up. Pink tear tracks marred her face, no amount of makeup could cover the fact that she'd been crying. Ace idly planned her day as she applied the little make-up she wore. If she had still been in her 20's she would've invited some friends over and had a party to celebrate... no, commemorate...wait, mourn-yes, that's the word-her grandmum's passing.

She glared at the middle-aged woman in the mirror, apparently, caring for her bloody grandmother had ill-effects. The skin around her eyes was a little thinner and darker and her entire face had shifted down just the teeniest bit. Then those blasted eyes. Brighter than a laser-beam. They looked un-beta-earthly and alien to her. She shut her eyes tight and sighed.

The next scene before her wasn't all that radically different actually. First thing she registered were her eyes- next thing was that they _weren't_ her eyes exactly. Then in rapid succession:

This is not my bathroom, this is not my house, that is not a mirror, and there's a stranger two centimeters away from the tip of my nose.

"Holy cra-!" A cold hand stifled her words.

"Shut up. If you make one more sound I'll send you right back to where you came from without an explanation, do you want that?" Ace shook her head vigorously and wrapped her towel around her tightly, closing her bathrobe in front of it. The man glanced down. " Ah... well at least you have a towel." he smirked "Right, I'm taking my hand away now." He slowly did so, and Ace tried to compose herself by taking short little breaths. This practice seemed to confuse Ford- he always found a few deep breaths would do the job.

"I'm F-"

"I don't care who you are just tell me how the hell I can get back to my house!" She said in a stage-whisper. The man had royally freaked her out. It was that simple- she was less terrified of her strange surroundings (some sort of freezing cold metal tunnel) than she was of him.

"Ok, going to give you a bit of advice. Don't panic- it never helps. And..." he paused infuriatingly.

"Yes, and what?" She raged.

"Better close that bathrobe." She gasped indignantly and her hand involuntarily batted him across the face.

"By Zarquon! Why would you do that? I just told you not to panic." he held his face as if it actually hurt. Ace was relieved for the break in his eccentrically energetic stare.

"You cheeky fool." She seethed

"Ok, that's it you're going back." Ford pulled the Electronic Thumb out of his satchel-Ace snatched it away. Not knowing what had happened here would send her to an asylum. The empty house could wait- Ace's current situation peaked her interest.

"No, wait, I'm sorry just..."

"Well, I can't send you back without that so..."

"Oh, this?" She questioned, holding up the small Electronic Thumb and promptly doing something that made her very happy- she snapped it in half. "Ha. Now you have to tell me exactly what I'm doing here." He stopped looking at her. His face clenched into a whole-hearted display of disbelief, he struggled to speak, but eventually found a handful of words that would allow themselves to be said through his bubbling anger.

"What the bloody hell did you do that for!" he found it difficult to whisper this, but it was necessary "Belgium!"

"'Scuse me, Belgium? Is that what you just said? Are we in New Belgium?"

"What? What... oh... no. New Belgium?" Ford said "No. Just look," he pointed out of the vent and Ace looked- seeing Beta Earth swirl below them. "Is that where you're from?"

"Oh my word." Ace stole a crestfallen glance at the remains of the Electronic Thumb. "I'm... not... on Beta Earth and I just broke the thing that could get me back. Is that right?"

"You're a quick one- quite refreshing actually that last humanoid I met was denser than Zaphod."

"And I assume that's pretty dense." Ford shrugged. "Now, explain to me exactly where I am and why I am here _and _who you are."

"Thought you didn't want to know that." He looked at her blankly- staring again for no apparent reason. She just wished that he'd blink. It was unraveling her nerves.

"It would appear that I have no choice but to find out- unless you have another way of getting me back down there" She jabbed a finger at the bright green and blue sphere bobbing happily in black star-speckled space.

"Nope. And, thanks to you, neither of us have a way out of here at all."

"What? Isn't this your space ship?" Ford snorted a quite laugh.

"Absolutely not!" He looked at her like the dewy-eyed betaearthling she was. "This is a building, the building where _this_ used to be produced." He took out the small black electronic book. A wholly remarkable book with two words inscribed gayly on the front that rung a bell in Ace.

"Don't Panic. Wow, seems like I've heard that somewhere." She said, not entirely un-sarcastically. "Listen, I'm freezing, can't we get out of this vent thing?"

"The point of being in the vent thing is that we stay in the vent thing. The vent thing is crucial."

"I'm not sure that was coherent." Ford squinted a bit.

"No." He admitted quickly. "We can not get out of this 'vent thing'. Better?"

"Little bit. But why?"

"Because," he said slowly "there are some very nasty creatures in this building that would like nothing more than to read us a poem. I snuck on in order to not destroy the latest hay-wire version of this book," he pointed to the Guide "and in doing so accidentally destroy it. It's been hijacked by Vogons-aliens- and with its help they're doing generally bad things, blowing up planets and such. For my lifestyle to continue as it was before the Vo-_aliens _took over the Guide I'm going to have to do something about it. Got it?"

"Hold it- Vogon?"

"Aliens." Ford settled for a term she would understand.

"And you? Vogon?" Ford cringed- he'd have to quickly turn everything this girl knew about the universe upside down. He had to be gentle, humane even.

"Look it up in the book: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Alright not gentle and not humane but hey, quick way to learn. She typed it in and listened to the entry.

"Do I look like a Vogon to you darling?" His smile ate his face it was so large.

"Hard to tell." She mocked "What are you then?"

"I'm from Betelgeuse." Ace was thrown off guard by his intensity. Her throat clenched in on itself, making it difficult to reply.

"Really? You look human."

"You look Betelgeusian... you were born on earth, weren't you?"

"Earth? No, Alpha Earth's been gone forever. I'm from Beta Earth." Ford squinted at her and leaned in slightly forcing her to fall backwards in alarm, which was a shame because in such a tiny air duct there wasn't any room at all to fall backwards onto and they ended up a hair's width away. He sat back and shrugged again. "What!?" She whispered as harshly as she could without alerting anyone to their presence.

"It's just that most humans find it necessary to blink."

* *** *

**Guide Entries**

*The Guide has this to say about Beta Earth:

EXERPT An impossibly lovely place, you simply haven't lived until you've hitchhiked across Beta Earth. Constructed on the fertile ruins of Grentosis 3, Beta Earth is a haven for humanoid life forms (if you happen to have an extra finger or two you should get along fine, more than one head-forget it, you'll be put on display. It's still a rather sheltered and race-ist planet). It was built by a group of refugee humans who foretold the destruction of Earth (Alpha Earth to them) and sought out new lands. Don't worry about currency (not that you'd have any if you're reading this), they accept all forms of clean, legal tender (excluding the leaf which is neither legal or clean).

*See Beta Earth Entry

*The Guide has this to say about "home-ish"s:

Well obviously if you are a hitchhiker and find yourself in a home-like setting you won't be particularly pleased at this point. Let us remind you- Don't Panic, and don't get a mortgage. Also, don't become attached to your new home-ish-type-dwelling because if we know the universe (and we do) something will eventually, one day, happen to it.

**Author's Note:** Tada! Don't kill me, please, Ace is NOT A MARY SUE. I swear- she isn't, anyway Ford wouldn't be happy with a Mary Sue unless she came with a lifetime supply of alcohol.

(Ford. Drive One.)


	2. Colin Mark Two

**Colin Mark Two  
**

_Chapter 2_

**Disclaimer:** Douglas Adams owns _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ and everything associated with it and everything it associates with. But of course, since he is no longer… I suppose he won't mind if I just borrow Ford and _The Guide_ for awhile… and eventually Arthur and probably Zaphod and Trillian too. Right? Right?! Oh well…

**Author's Note:** Heya! Thought I'd continue on with a bit more Ford, then jump around to Arthur or Zaphy perhaps… we'll see how it turns out! And also: COLLIINNN!!!!! He's back!-Ish! I LOVE COLIN!

**Key:** *- See Guide entry at bottom (trust me, you'll want to!)

* *** *

There are very few cases in which structural failures are considered helpful*. This is mainly because building that are built are intended to stay built. In Ford Prefect's case, it was a rather disastrous thing.

"It's just that most humans find it necessary to blink." is what Ford said.

"Come off it, I blink all the time you stupid alien." is what Ace would have said if her mouth wasn't busy screaming. The vents were growing weary from having to lift and conceal people like Ford Prefect and Legacy Claud. They had conferred* and decided it the best course of action to split apart at the joint closest to their cause of discomfort. Unfortunately, Ford and Ace were cause numbers 1 and 2 of the vents discomfort and therefore the closest objects to the split in the vent. Put simply- Ford and Ace suddenly found themselves quite without the frozen steely tunnel they had been hiding in.

"Hi there! I'm-"The melon-sized security robot floating directly above them was silenced by a net of stained cotton.

"Gotcha!" Ford said as he disentangled himself from Ace's robe. He quickly pinned the curtained robot to the ground with one hand and groped through his satchel with the other.

"Oh how thrilling! Is this a game? I'm simply frothing with pure delight at the prospect of-"

"What did you say?" Ford paused, glaring at the smooth, round robot that was currently shrouded in towel.

"It's so beautifully dark in here! How fantastic, I shall study all the wonders of the darkness that encases me and relish in its utter blackness. I cannot contain the excitement this new sight has entrusted me with! Hoopylicious!" The robot twirled in its cottony cave and hummed appreciatively.

"What the hell is that?" Ace sat up stiffly. She tried (and failed) to regain her dignity.

Ford's confusion caused him to glance at her open mouthed and wide eyed, then it caused him to slip off the towel that he had so cleverly caught the security robot in.

"Colin?" He asked. Ford was awe struck at the very prospect of the robot still being in one piece.

"Mr. Prefect and Guest! How very, very brilliant to see you! I am Bot 1050391H93. How may I make your day on this glorious floor of _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ more amazing?" The black melon-sized robot spun slowly in the air and began to hum again.

"You can start by telling me what's going on. Where're the Vogons? Why am I not being hauled away and arrested? This is rather stressful for me." Ford was not stressed by the happy security robot or the lack of Vogons. He was stressed because there were no Vogons within his line of sight. He decided that any second now one would hop out from behind a corner and yell 'gotcha!' and zap him and Ace into whiffs of dust and atom.

"It's really, very, fantastic! I just love our new, new management. They are ultra froody and just so amazingly huggable! I want to snuggle up to every one of them and-"

Ford held up a hand "No need to continue. I get it- new management. Please, tell me they're not in the business of blowing things up."

"If that's what will make you happy!"

"Bot 10509… look I'll just call you Colin Mark 2, ok?"

"Colin Mark Two! How catchy! Colin Mark Two, Colinmarktwo, Colin! Mark… Twoo!" The robot trilled and chirped its new name incessantly.

Ford gritted his teeth. "Colin, the truth. The truth will make me very happy."

"Well than the truth it is Mr. Prefect and guest! This building is under the ownership of the Dagrafoom! Who do happen to enjoy blowing up planets, actually. It's quite fun to see them burn up in a blossom of joyfully raging fire!"

"Hey," something tugged at his sleeve lightly. "Betelgeuse guy!"

"Yeah?" He turned around to find that Ace had gone through his bag and retrieved the black electronic book. A cold glow highlighted Ace's face and he realized with a bit of apprehension that she wasn't as gorgeous as he had imagined. And, in a side note, that her eyes were red and almost puffy. _Now here's a girl who needs to meet a nice pan Galactic Garggle Blaster and settle down, _Ford thought_. _

"Dagrafoon. If it's spelt like it sounds this could get sticky." * Ace shut off the _Hitchhiker's Guide_ and replaced it.

Ford barked a little laugh. "My job's done. This won't have time to get sticky because we are out, out, out! Colin Mark Two's coming."

"How do you expect to get out? We're in space, we can't just step out the front door."

Ford thought for a moment, wincing at the strain this caused his alcohol battered brain. "Hey- worth a shot." He shrugged and tossed a wide grin at Ace and Colin Mark Two.

"Are you raving mad? There's no oxygen, we'll asphyxiate before we can scream!"***** Ace was worried that she had gotten herself into a whole lot more than he could handle by snapping the Electronic thumb. But she had sensibility on her side at least.

"What, do you suspect, is the probability of that happening?"

"Quite high. I mean, it's practically impossible for anything other than that to happen which is why I refuse to do it."

Ford winked. "Im_probable_ actually, therefore, there's a pretty good chance something will pick us up." He said manically. He was referring to his bi-cranium semi-cousin Zaphod Beeblebrox. Before he got Zaphod and Trillian to drop him off just outside the Guide offices he had maliciously set the ship to random. Every few minutes the improbability drive would toss out some random numbers and take a spin. If Trillian hadn't had her way with the computer yet the ship was probably still Infinite Improbability-ing all over the galaxy. Ford jumped up and grasped Ace's hand, lugging her to her feet. "Grab my satchel, and don't forget the towel, yeah?" He said as he began to run for the elevator on the far end of the long corridor.

"Stop! I demand that you stop."

"Demand?" He paused for a second to mock her (something that he would eventually come to find he loved to do) "Ah, don't tell me. You're the Queen of England right?"

"What if I was?"

"Then this just got a whole lot more fun for me. Come on Queeny, we're out of here." He pulled her along again.

"I'm not," She panted at him "the Queen. I'm Legacy, and I'd like to know your name before-" Ace yelped because she lost her footing. After a moment of pointless flailing she regained balance and continued, "before you commit suicide."

Ford didn't stop. They dodged flashy and often rude statues and a few very drunk (very happy) Dagrafoon, about forty-ish meters to the elevator.

"Ford." He shouted back at the woman. "Can I call you Leggy? Legacy's a mouthful."

"No, you may not call me 'Leggy'!" She panted "If you must, call me Ace."

"Froody! Leggy it is then." Ford reached the elevator and kicked it open

"Mr. Prefect, sir! That was a fantastic trick!" Colin Mark Two twittered above them.

Ford hopped in and told the elevator to go to the ground floor. The elevator chuckled and told him to "Zark off- there is no ground in space!". Seeing this as a non-issue Ford kicked the elevator harder, and it grumpily told him that it was just kidding. "Come on Colin, in." He clicked his tongue and the bobbing robot bobbed in. "And you Leggy." He winked at Ace and she shivered.

**Guide Entries**

*Though, in fact, there have been one or two known cases in which structural failures were a positive thing; one of the most famous of these instances occurred on a small blue-green planet known today as Alpha Earth. It was a high school poetry reading that took place on a large body of land called Texas. It was here in the Winter of 2072 where the most famous and appreciated structural failing happened. An after school poetry reading had commenced exactly thirty minutes after everyone was told it would. The reading was to highlight 3 well-spoken and highly educated students. But before these well-spoken students could make their debut 5 other students were allowed to present their poetry.

Before the 3rd student had exited one half of the attending parents had consumed enough rum punch to turn a parade of gladiators into pansies. By the time the 5th student cleared his throat to begin all but 5 of the parents had slit their wrists with plastic forks. Thankfully 4 the 5 remaining parents (who were at this point over taking pictures and smiling through the pain) were seconds away from slitting their own wrists when a large chunk of the ceiling decided it would come to their rescue and dislodged itself right above the 5th students head.

*The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation is to blame for giving metal the ability to hold meetings. Which was a terrible idea because they soon found out that vents don't particularly like to be too cold or too hot and complained loudly and often at important business meetings.

*The Dagrafoom are, on the whole, a rather pleasant race. They're slightly humanoid, but with six tentacly legs and a very, very, high tolerance for alcohol. So high that when their offspring are having trouble falling asleep they're given an ounce of Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. This makes them outrageous fun at parties and baby showers, but rather annoying when it comes to business. Also, most are pyromaniacs.

*Which is literally true because you can't scream at all in space. Space, the _Guide_ says, is very… very… very… quite. The only time anything is ever heard outside of a capsule in space is during a Disaster Area concert. And even then it's barely audible. I mean, it's really, really quiet.


End file.
